Going for a dump in the woods. What a Boar...

Having a dump (crap, No. 2 or shit) in the woods can be a dangerous thing. Many years ago I was on a training exercise with my unit in Germany; to be exact it was Bergen-Hohne training area a NATO military training area in the southern part of the Lüneburg Heath, in the state of Lower Saxony in northern Germany.

This area was home to many a wild boar, one that I encountered once was so big, it’s head was level with the base of my driver’s window on my Series 2 short wheel based FFR (fitted for radios) Landover. Wild Boar needless to say often commanded respect from soldiers; they were not the kind of animal you would want to mess with.

One summers evening just as it was getting dark of the guys decided he needed to pay nature a call, his nickname was Snake, so called for his amazing ability to wiggle his way out of a large group men trying to beat the living daylights of him, while out on the lash one night down town.

So, off Snake went for a shovel recce with his VIP (very important paper and I do not mean a copy of the sun newspaper either), he found the place he was looking for and having dug a hole in which he would bury the evidence after her was done, he proceeded to deliver his deposit .

Bob, one of our other friends decided he would play a practical joke on Snake, by sneaking up behind him and squealing a like a wild boar. Bob was extremely good at impersonating a Boar. But what Bob had failed to take into account was Snakes innate fear of Wild Pigs and the fact that he went everywhere with his machete firmly attached to his belt.

As snake was in the position of returning to nature that which he had taken out earlier from the slop jockeys (army chefs) feast. Bob had let out a load squeal and in an instant Snake had drawn his machete and swung it around and behind him in the dark, fearing he was about to be set upon by a pig. His machete was buried into the tree and according to Bob it was only inches above his head; he claimed he could feel the air from the blade as it passed above his head. Pulling the blade from the tree, snake was up, trousers tightened and heading straight for Bob, quicker than you could shout PIG. 

Bob by this time was on his toes and legging it across the sticks at a rate of knots with snake in close pursuit, waving the machete and screaming to bob that he was about the die. The fear on bobs face was a picture to behold; we watched and laughed our heads off as they traversed the undergrowth for about ten minutes before both collapsed knackered.

When Bob had first disappeared we all thought he was going to pull the standard prank that is often played on soldiers when they are taking a dump in the woods. Image if you will, your squatting there and someone without you knowing sneaks up behind you and reaches in with a shovel their arm out stretched. They then catch your deposit on said shovel and retreat quietly away.

You are now finished and having done your duty, you stand up, pull up your pants and as you do your belt up, you turn to check on it, (doesn’t everyone do that). You see that it is not there, laying on the ground looking back up at you, your worse fear is that you dropped it into your pants instead of in the hole that you just dug. You immediately undo your belt and pull down your pants and frantically check to see if it is in your pants. In the meantime everyone is laughing and you are presented with your No. 2 on the shovel.

You do not know if you should be angry, relieved or to laugh along with everyone else. One thing is for sure you can be very creative with a few choice words in which to describe you’re friends with.