Life's Stories...

When Keith Floyd came to visit us...

2011-11-04T15:00:00.001-07:00

We had pigs trotters while they had fish and chips... check back later for the rest of the story.

McMullan cellar 5 mins...

2011-11-04T14:20:00.001-07:00

That's what my BSM Chalky White said to me one day as I was passing his office. My head started to race what had I done wrong? When the BSM says cellar you think dam I done something but what was it, I could not think at all what it could have been.

As I headed down the stairs to the cellar, one of the guys asked me where I was going, I told him what had happened and he said to me "word to the wise, don't get back up" F%@k now I knew I was in trouble.

Standing there wrecking my brains for what I did, when he came in, looking straight at me, I think I froze on the spot. He stopped in front of me and said McMullan you failed to do this on this day and time (for the life of me I still cannot remember what I had done), do you want my punishment or the old man's.

Well the old man's meant it would go on my record so I opted for his... CRACK... and down I went like a ton of bricks, although back then I was just a skinny little runt. Then I remembered what scouse had said, so I did not get back up. The BSM offer me his hand and pulled me up to my feet, he then said be outside the NAFFI tonight at eight smartly dressed.

I was stood outside the NAFFI to attention in my suit and shinny shoes as he came down the path, he inspected me and then looked me in the eye and said, "what are you drinking" he then proceeded to get me drunk I was not expected to buy him a drink.

So what is the point of all this, well back then, his punishment meant I took it, I learn from it, it was not recorded on my documents and it was forgotten about, chalk it up to experience you might say. I guess these days his punishment would not be acceptable.

I learnt a lot from him, he taught me well, and he showed me respect, as I did him.

Why don’t you tell the enemy where we are?

2011-11-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

While down near Frankfurt exercising with the Americans in their sector of Germany my friend Ian (Snake) Duff were sent to do L.O. (Liaison Officer) with an American unit. One night we did a night deployment which took place from night fall until about three in the morning.

When we do night occupations we drive on convey light which is light following a cigarette butt through the woods up and down hills this can be very demanding, but no only that once in position we were always expected to be as quite as possible so that the sound of our deployment did not travel to unfriendly ears. So doors were closed very quietly, the vehicle would be camouflaged very quietly as well, no lights would be used so you had to know exactly where every bit of your kit was, 21’ radio masts would be erected in the freezing cold.

To our complete dismay as we deployed with the Americans we started to do all the things we were trained to do and then wham the woods we were in light up like Blackpool illuminations. The Americans had turned on spot lights, head lights, torches and anything else they could light up and as we stood there mouths wide open we spotted a queue of men lining up as a coke machine was off loaded from a truck, they then preceded to get a coke before cracking on with the job at hand.

Madness… good job there was no live enemy out playing that night.

I remember a very long time ago aged 19 ...

2011-11-04T08:30:00.001-07:00

I was on duty in the guardroom when a sergeant came into the guardroom and he put himself in jail, sometime later the RSM (Regimental Sargent Major) came in and released him back to his battery.

I was going on my break so I decided to follow the sergeant and ask him why he put himself in jail. He responded by saying “when my men screw up he punishes them, but when he screws up who punishes him, so he jailed himself to show his men that he is not above the rules either.

I found this an interesting approach and in a way he had earned my respect even though I did not really know him that well. Many years later as I began to move up the ranks I was reminded by this when a Royal Signals corporal told me a similar story about himself. This inspired me and from then on I would at times (when I screwed up) stand one of my men down from doing the drag stag (between the hours of midnight and 05:00hrs in the morning) and put myself on guard duty as a sergeant even as a staff sergeant .

My men would always want to know what I had done wrong, but I would just say you don’t need to know just enjoy your down time.

I wanted the height not the bloody length you stupid boy…

2011-11-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

As a young soldier at the age of 21 I guess, I witnessed an event which caused me some embarrassment due to the fact that the BSM (Battery Sargent Major) was a fellow Irishman.

Allow me to explain. One morning after battery parade the BSM tasked one of the younger men to go with him as he had a job for him. The young lad followed the BSM to just outside the battery office to where the battery flag pole was located and as I was working nearby on my AFV432 (Armoured Fighting Vehicle) I heard say to the young soldier, “right then son I want you to measure the flag pole for me, I will be back in a short while”. Scratching his head the young lad was thinking how he could complete this task, when suddenly almost like a light bulb switching on, the lad man handled the pole out of the ground, laid it on the floor and preceded to measure it with the tape measure the BSM had given him earlier.

At which point the BSM returned and I could not believe my ears when I heard the BSM asking the lad what he was doing, the boy explained that he was measuring the flag pole as requested, the BSM shouted at him saying.

“I wanted the height not the bloody length you stupid boy.

The Lighting Tree...

2011-05-26T00:34:00.000-07:00

There is never enough power when you need a shave...

One day while out on exercise in Germany oh I think it must have been 1976, we were located in a woodland when one of the Bombardiers (Corporal) shouted "great a lighting tree I can have a shave now".

Rushing into the command post and returned shortly afterwards with his electric/battery razor, the tree in question was an oak tree that had been struck by lightning, the Bombardier then stuck the plug from the razor into the tree and preceded to have a shave to the amazement of one of the young soldiers who had been in the army all of five minutes and was now on his first exercise.

The bombardier seeing his surprise asked him if he would like to have a go, to which he said yes. The Bombardier handed him the razor and without the young man knowing it he placed the lead into the socket of the razor which effectively cancelled out the batteries, which was why he was able to have a shave in the first place.

So when the young soldier stuck the plug from the razor into the tree all he got was a clicking sound, to which the Bombardier said. "Sorry mate it seems I have used all the electricity from the tree, never mind the next lighting tree we find you can have another go."

The young lad told all his mates about this with some excitement until eventually he had to be told the truth...

He took it well and he was able to laugh at himself.

Jail him...

2011-04-28T15:15:00.001-07:00

I don't care if his boots don't fit into his large pack.... That's what happened to me when as a young soldier on parade one day having our regular kit check for when we have to deploy into the field. Back then we were given step by step instructions on where our kit had to be packed into our large packs (which were not so large after all).

Our large packs were all the same size however, I was expected to get my size 12 boots along with my much larger clothing into the same size pack as my buddy who had size 9 boots and of course much smaller clothing.

When the Sergeant Major DEMANDED to know why my boots were not packed into my bag I tried to explain to him about the size difference. His response was to tell me to get my boots into my pack as per the kit list and again I tried to explain to him only to be cut short with the words "Don't argue with me, Sergeant march this man down to the jail" and I was swiftly marched off to jail.

Needless to say I did not spend the rest of my army career in jail and as time moved on our large pack became Bergen’s and you guessed it, I could get my boots into them just and I was still limited to the kit I could take with me. As for the Sergeant Major well I don’t think he ever got a life and he certainly did not feel the need to say sorry either.

Going for a dump in the woods What a Boar...

2011-04-28T15:12:00.001-07:00

He did not see the funny side of it....

Fire Extinguisher Dated 1956

2011-04-28T15:07:00.001-07:00

Well it could have been a bomb...

When I said paint the windows, what I meant was...

2011-04-28T15:06:00.001-07:00

It's Snow Joke....

2011-04-28T15:05:00.001-07:00

The RSM riding the bonnet of the landrover while I steered... come back to read the rest.

Hazmat - Lessons from a Manikin in PPE

2011-04-28T15:04:00.001-07:00

Personal Protective Equipment.... more on this later

Hazmat: So who do you think is going to check on our guys, not you that's for sure...

2010-12-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

my reaction at meeting held in 1996 when someone came out to Bosnia Herzegovina just make a name for themselves and collect a medal, and in order to do so came up with a ridiculous order.

1996, Šipovo not far from Jajce where we were based in Bosnia Herzegovina, my boss Iain (the Rock) Willkie and I attended a meeting to discuss various matters but one in particular related directly to our job and would have an impact on our men.

It was put forward at the meeting that all our vehicles should be marked up correctly according to ADR regulation’s for the transportation of hazardous materials across Europe, such as fuel. I found this decision making quite unbelievable they continued to inform us that the Royal Military Police would carry out spot checks, and any driver found not adhering to the regulations would be fined.

Well of course there were a few questions that needed answering, but first why were they introducing this rule when Bosnia was no longer part of the former Yugoslavia which had signed up to ADR and why did they want to fine our guys when we were the only ones driving on the roads at that time.

As if our men did not have enough to do...

Then it was our turn to speak, the Rock put his hands behind his head and as he leaned back in his chair, he said to me go for it Chiwawa (yes that was my nick name as opposed to the Rottweiler which was Iain’s nickname or just simply the Rock). I put forward the following questions.

1. Has Bosnia and Herzegovina declared that they will uphold the ADR regulations?
2. Do the RMP's have qualified ADR supervisors among their ranks?
3. When will this rule come into effect?

Answers Respectfully:

1. No
2. Not sure
3. Effective as of midnight tonight (the day of the meeting)

My Response:

1. Why are we enforcing a rule when we are the only ones on the road?
2. If an RMP stops any of my vehicles I will want to see his authority regarding ADR as I believe they are not qualified to carry out the correct checks.
3. Most important of all, the people who thought up this stupid plan missed one very important point. My regiment was already within the rules as we were based in Germany we were already fully complying with Europe regulations and our men were very well trained and they were very good at doing their jobs under extreme conditions.

However, I pointed out to the unit enforcing this rule that as of midnight all their vehicles would be off the road. Why, because they were a UK based unit and as such were marked up under UK regulations and therefore would have fallen foul of this new rule which of course was of their own making.

They would not have had time to replace all the vehicle markings and therefore would have to fine all their own drivers for being in breach of their rules; either that or they don't move their vehicles.

Not a good plan, because they would not have been able to refuel the out laying units, which would have meant that they could not do their job.

All in all I think this would have been very embarrassing, and good coverage for the media.

What Active Edge Blue Book?

2010-12-11T11:02:00.000-08:00

40th Field Regiment R.A. Gutersloh 1979.

There is no way he is going to own up to this, not in front of the Regiment at 3am on parade on the hockey pitch... That's what I was thinking when the colonel (C.O.) demanded to know who the practical joker was.

It all started around 23:00hrs or just after, the duty clerk received a phone call from someone sounding very much like the colonel. He told the clerk to go to his office and find his Active Edge Blue Book and to have the duty driver bring it to his house.

Before I go any further, perhaps I should explain what active edge means. Active edge is a process we had in the army to call the regiment out to their war time locations in the event the balloon went up, in peace time these were dummy positions, and there were different states of readiness, and we would often get called out in the early hours of the morning.

So, the duty clerk dutifully went to the C.O's office and he searched high and low for the blue book to no avail, he decided that he needed to call in the Regimental Orderly Seargent (ROS) as he did not want to tell the C.O. he could not find his blue book.

The ROS arrived and the duty clerk explained what the C.O. had requested, and so off they went to the colonel’s office to look again for the old man’s blue book, by now the time was around 00:30hrs. They searched and searched and could not find it, the duty clerk said to the ROS what shall we do. The ROS said let’s call in the Orderly Officer who was a young (very young) Lieutenant. The Officer turned up and the ROS explained to him what the old man wanted and so off they went again to his office to carry out yet another search, you know just to be on the safe side.

Well of course they could not find it, and the officer then turned to the sergeant and said what shall we do, the sergeant replied well Sir I think you should call the colonel and tell him that you could not find his blue book, smart move on his part. The time is now getting on to 01:30hrs and the officer plucks up the courage to call the old man.

Woken from his sleep the colonel answers his phone and the orderly officer makes his apologies and said I am sorry colonel I am unable to locate your Active Edge Blue Book and the C.O. replies what Active Edge Blue Book. The officer then apologies, saying I think I have just been had. No matter said the colonel, call the regiment in.

Active Edge was called we all got dragged out of our beds thinking we were going on exercise, kit packed we turned up in camp loaded our vehicles and then at around 03:00hrs we were marched up to the hockey pitch (which is where we would go if we were going to be told of any real time deployments) and the whole regiment waited for the old man to turn up.

His car pulled up he got out and mounted his saluting box and preceded to explain the whole story to us. Then he said, no one leaves this square until I get a name.

So, picture this, nearly 300 men on parade at 03:00 hrs. All dragged out of their beds and some just rolled in from the town having been out on the lash. Now ask yourself, would you own up?

No Sex for the Col for the next two weeks...

2010-12-11T10:59:00.001-08:00

I really need to think before I speak...

2nd Field Regiment Op Granby - What you have no electrolyte...

2010-12-11T10:45:00.000-08:00

You bunch of lying Jack B&%@$+ds, still we found some and now it is time to confess where we found it... much more to come, check back later

Digging in E-Sub

2010-12-11T10:20:00.003-08:00

Yet another important lesson well learnt... more to come

Nightmare of a Drive to Southern Germany...

2010-10-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

Check back later for more on this story...

Coffee Mate... It's Sir to you McMullan...

2010-10-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

Early one evening I drove up to the gun position in my short wheel based Series II FFR (fitted for radios) land rover, with the adjutant I had been his driver for a while now.

I pulled up next to the RSM's (Regimental Sargent Major) land rover, as the adjutant was talking with the RSM, the RSM turned to me and said "make the adjutant a brew," which I duly set about doing. All the brew kit was set up in the back of my truck, the water was on, the tea/coffee, and sugar were in the cups, but no milk.

I turned to the adjutant and said "Coffee Mate."

The RSM turned on me, shouting" mate, mate it's Sir to you McMullan" at which point I raised the jar I was holding and pointing to the label I said "no sir, coffee mate."

The RSM and the Adjutant saw the funny side of it, thank goodness I did not fancy digging trenches all night.

Supermarket Dash

2010-10-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

I once went down to the supermarket with a good buddy of mine to stock up on supplies for a course we were running near Canterbury. As we stood at the checkout my friend was stood just a short distance away from me however, he must have been far enough away to cause the girl on the till to enquire "are you two together" my friend (oops I nearly said his name then) pipes up and says no to her question.

And there it was.

Do you get them moments as well? You know when something instantly pops into your head and you know you can have fun with this moment, I call it my little tick. Looking straight at my buddy I said "you always do this, why can you not just admit that we are together" at which point my mate reacted by saying to the girl, "no, NO we are not together, don't listen to him." I then turned to her said "it hurts me when he is like this I don't understand why he just cannot be honest".

At this point my mate was clearly becoming very uncomfortable as he was starting to go red in the face, while still denying that what I was saying was untrue, and the more he denied it the bigger the hole was getting and of course I kept piling it on, with things like,

"wait until we get back, we will talk about this" & "I just wish you would be honest"

The girls eyes were flicking from me to him and back, her mind was clearly doing over time and in the end my buddy gave up realising that he was on a loser. We left the supermarket with my friend calling me all the Ba%@&#ds under the sun, while I was completely wetting myself with laughter.

Of course the truth was that I was talking about doing the course together, it was left up to other people to decide in their own minds what was taking place, the fact that I was presenting as being quite camp had no bearing on the situation what so ever, he says with tongue in cheek and of course I had so much fun playing the part and watching my mate wriggling, thankfully we are still good buddies and from time to time w have a old chuckle about that day.

Gulf War 1991

2010-10-19T06:21:00.000-07:00

I remember having a major bust up in the desert with Keith (BSM) Pearce just as we were given our orders to move into Kuwait.

I wanted my guys to move with the guns but the Yanks said wheels had to go on a different route which I was not happy about.

How weird is that.

Just shows the pride and respect you have for your battery and the men who you fought alongside with, that you would stand in the desert during the middle of a war, arguing the toss about who goes which way.

Some how it did not feel right not to go with the guns.

I hope you understand what I mean?